Humpty Bumpkin Read online

  Joey snickered. “The very one.”

  “You don’t think he can handle this?”

  “It’s not that. But I definitely think he could use another set of eyes and...skills.”

  “How can I help?”

  “Can I borrow Cal for a few days?” Cal Amity was Felicity’s boyfriend as well as a very good Private Investigator. He had a successful Investigation and Security business in Indianapolis, where he and Felicity lived.

  “That might be a problem. Cal’s out of town for a few weeks.”

  “Oh? A new client?”

  “Something like that. But I think I can help anyway. His brother’s keeping the business alive while he’s gone. I can put him in touch with you if you’d like.”

  “Is he any good?”

  “Almost as good as Cal.” Felicity laughed. “Better in some ways but don’t tell my honey that. Hal’s an ex-cop so he’s got connections in IMPD. That probably won’t help you much down there in the Hollow, but his experience as a cop might be just the thing if you’re looking to give sexy Arno some unwanted assistance.”

  “Score. Will you give him my number?”

  “I’ll do that. Hey, you take care of yourself, okay? I don’t like hearing that something so gruesome is going on right under your nose.”

  “I don’t like it either. Hypothetically.”

  Felicity snorted. “Yeah. Give your hypothetical pibl a kiss for me.”

  “Will do. Thanks, cuz.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  On a scale of one to ten in the looks department, the man climbing out of the big, black SUV in my driveway was a two thousand and fifty-five. I pressed my nose against the window and stared out at him, almost afraid to approach for fear he was an alien sent to Earth to suck out my brains. He was just too perfect to be real.

  Beside me at the window, Caphy licked the glass, pressing her wide, wet nose to the spot and whining sharply.

  I knew how she felt. “Don’t get too attached, Caphy. I think he’s a pod person.”

  He looked to be about six feet four inches tall, with thick, shiny black hair that was swept straight back from a wide, unlined brow and curled softly at the top of his muscular neck. Dense black lashes framed a pair of sexy dark green eyes and his mouth was full and wide, very kissable. He had a square jaw, with a dimple in the center and broad shoulders under a sport coat and a pristine white tee shirt. The jeans that framed his long, well-shaped legs were just tattered enough to be stylish and the dark brown boots on his feet were scuffed enough to look comfortably broken in rather than just old.

  My dog smacked her lips as if she was hungry for pod person. But when the too-sexy alien walked up my front steps and jolted to a stop on my porch, his surprised gaze locking on the idiots with their noses pressed against the glass, she was the first to unpeel her face and run to the door, her entire body wagging.

  My gaze found his and locked on, both of us seemingly startled by the unexpected connection.

  I quickly backed away from the window, feeling the fool he’d no doubt believe I was.

  Caphy’s nails clicked and clacked against the hard tile in front of the door as she bounced in happy anticipation of meeting Mr. Gorgeous.

  I briefly considered fleeing up the curved staircase and hiding under my covers until he left.

  There was a taut silence before his knock thundered through the entryway, bouncing off the twenty-foot-high walls and reverberating against my nerves. I figured he’d hesitated, thinking a knock wasn’t necessary since I’d already seen him.

  But apparently it was. I’m such an idiot.

  Wringing my hands, I walked over to the door, took a deep breath, and pulled it open.

  Though it seemed impossible, he was even better looking up close. Though individually not perfect...eyes a bit too narrow...nose with a decided bump on the bridge as if it had once been broken...his features worked perfectly well together. His olive skin tone gave him an exotic flavor that made my stomach jump with interest. However, my handsome visitor was saved from being too perfect by the silver line of a razor-thin scar that ran from just in front of his left ear to the corner of his eye.

  Unfortunately, that only served to make him seem slightly dangerous. Like crack cocaine to a woman who loves a little bad in her man.

  Caphy leapt through the door and wove around his legs like an oversized cat with a whippet tail. Painful sounding smacking noises ensued.

  His dark green gaze narrowed slightly as it held mine but he finally looked away long enough to scratch my manic pooch between the ears. “Hey, beauty.”

  Caphy responded by wagging her entire body and giving him a crazy canine grin.

  “She’s very shy,” I told him on a voice that had gone husky and deep.

  He blinked at the sound and I cleared my throat. “Um...” I offered him my hand. “I’m Joey.”

  His grip was warm and strong. He held my hand a beat longer than necessary and heat blossomed in my belly from the contact. “Hal Amity. It’s a pleasure.”

  You have no idea, I thought before I caught myself. “Please, come in.” I quickly led him away from the window with the grease and slobber spots and into my living room, where I indicated a hard, white couch that was about as inviting as flip flops in mud. “Have a seat. Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea...?” Every inch of me?

  Hal smiled as if he’d heard my naughty inner voice. “I’m good, thanks. Why don’t you fill me in on what’s going on.”

  I gave a nervous laugh. “Just like that? We’re gonna jump right in? Okay.”

  He tilted his head, creating flashes of blue light from the sun hitting his thick mane of black hair. “You’re paying me by the hour. I don’t want to waste your money.”

  “Right.” My lustful thoughts died, doused in icy water. His manner was brutal but efficient. “Someone was shoved into a wood chipper in my woods.”

  He held my gaze, his expression unreadable. I’ll admit I was a bit shocked by the non-reaction. Murder by wood chipping was gruesomely efficient even if it wasn’t very imaginative.

  “Was the victim someone you know?”

  “That’s the problem. We haven’t figured out who it is yet.”

  Hal inclined his head. “Then you don’t know if it’s tied to you.”

  “Exactly.”

  He looked around the house, his long-lashed gaze taking in the expensive furniture, pricy paintings and lavish collectibles.

  I quickly glanced down at my hands, not wanting to see the judgement I knew would be in his eyes. “My parents died last year. I inherited their house and everything.” I shrugged, feeling guilty and then angered because I did. My parents had worked very hard all their lives for what they had. Nobody should feel bad about that. I was aware that others looked at my big home and all the stuff inside and thought less of me because of it.

  It had bothered me more since I’d lost them. It seemed like an insult to their memory.

  “How did they die?”

  “Private plane crash.” I didn’t elaborate. He didn’t need to know about the airstrip out behind the house. Or the chunks of charred and twisted metal that still dotted the center of the now-overgrown grassy stripe. I’d been unable to move forward on removing the wreckage. In fact, I’d pretty much been unable to move forward on anything since that horrible night.

  “I’m very sorry for your loss.”

  He sounded sincere. I skimmed my gaze upward, finding his dark green perusal and seeing the sincerity there.

  I shrugged. “Thanks.”

  He nodded. We sat in silence for a beat. Then he stood up. “Why don’t you show me the murder site. You can fill me in on the way.”

  CAPHY RAN ON AHEAD, barking happily at everything that moved. I twisted my fingers together as I picked my way through the woods, stumbling over more objects in my path than I avoided. The third time, when Hal had to catch me so I didn’t do a face-plant in the weeds, I got mad at myself. I needed to pull my head out of my butt ASAP. Af
ter all, Hal Amity wasn’t there for a date. He was there to help me find a killer.

  I took a deep breath and forced my mind to the matter at hand.

  “So, you wanted to know about the body?”

  “Please.”

  “Caphy and I were walking along this path...”

  “What time was it?”

  I blinked, surprised out of my narration by the seemingly unrelated question. “Um. Seven thirtyish.”

  “Early then.”

  I shrugged. “It wasn’t early for me. I haven’t been able to sleep past four am since my parents...”

  “Do you always walk this same path?”

  “I...” Frowning, my thoughts swept past his question looking for a reason behind it. “Well, yes. I guess I do.”

  “So, someone could have placed the body specifically in a spot where you’d find it.”

  A flare of alarm sent my pulse rocketing. “I guess they could have, yes.”

  Up ahead, Caphy reared up and put both paws on a tree, barking excitedly as a squirrel circled the thick trunk on its way to a higher branch.

  I looked at Hal. “You think this was meant as a message to me?”

  “It’s possible.”

  I chewed the inside of my lip, feeling the beauty of the day sliding away behind a cold and oily menace. “But why? I’m just a country bumpkin in a nice house.”

  He grinned as if he liked my description. “You’re a little more than that though, aren’t you? You inherited quite a bit of money when your parents died, along with controlling interest in your dad’s company.”

  I shook my head. “I’m going to give most of that money away as soon as I can figure out who should get it. I don’t want it. And I certainly don’t care about dad’s company. That was his passion. Not mine.”

  “You’ve just given me two great reasons for someone to target you.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “What if someone was hoping to persuade you to donate to their cause through any means necessary.”

  I frowned.

  “Or, what if someone wanted to get their hands on your controlling interest.”

  I shook my head, not convinced. “Those are a stretch.”

  “Agreed. But we need to look at all possibilities here.”

  “Okay. I get that. But I still think this murder had nothing to do with me.”

  Caphy reluctantly left the tree and the squirrel behind and bounded on ahead. She stopped and sniffed the ground where the hunk of partial hand had been. I stopped next to her, pointing to the ground. “Caphy dropped a body part here. It was the first inkling I had that something was wrong.”

  Hal crouched down and eyed the tiny, dark spot in the soil. He lifted his head and looked into the woods, his gaze moving unerringly to the copse of trees that had all but hidden the chipper and its grizzly contents from view.

  He stood up and turned in a slow circle. “These ATV tracks, they’re from the police?”

  I nodded.

  “Were there any tracks before they came?”

  I thought about his question, realizing for the first time that I hadn’t really taken the time to examine the scene before I’d hightailed it out of there. “I didn’t notice. Sorry. I was frantic to get Caphy away from the dead body.”

  “I can certainly understand that.” His smile tugged an answering curve of my own lips. “The chipper was over here?” He pointed toward the opening in the trees.

  “That’s the spot.” Hal started to walk that way. “Where’s the closest road?”

  I stood on the outside perimeter of the spot as Hal walked into the space, stopping just outside the torn up dirt where the chipper had been. I frowned at the myriad of tracks scarring the ground and wondered what important piece of information I’d missed by acting like a girl and running away.

  “Joey?”

  I blinked, realizing I’d never answered his question. “Um. Three quarters of a mile I guess.”

  “Which direction?”

  “Goat’s Hollow Road, which is the gravel road that goes past my house, is that way.”

  “The police came from Goat’s Hollow?”

  “Actually, I think they came from the direction of Country Road 57, which leads right into town to the north. It borders my property on the east side.”

  He nodded and turned away, striding into the woods heading toward Goat’s Hollow, Caphy on his heels. I was wondering if I should follow them when Hal turned back and motioned for me to come.

  As I approached, Hal pointed to the vegetation. “Broken branches, mashed pine needles. Something big’s passed through here recently.” He crouched down, clearing some of the pine needles. “See here? This is a recreational vehicle track. And that...” he pointed several feet away, “That’s a much narrower tire with a relatively shallow tread.”

  I frowned. “You’re thinking these belong to something like an ATV with a chipper on the back?”

  “That’s what I’m thinking.” He stared off into the woods. “Let’s follow this. I’m betting it will come out on Goat’s Hollow Road.”

  I fell in with him, my mind spinning. “Sheriff Willager said the chipper was stolen from Mitzner Landscaping.”

  Hal threw me a narrow-eyed look. “Willager?”

  “Which rhymes with villager...Yes,” I told him, grinning.

  He flashed me an answering grin before returning to business. “You don’t sound like you believe it.”

  “I didn’t when he told me. If I had to pick any one person in Deer Hollow who would be capable of killing someone, Buck Mitzner would be at the top of my list.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s just one of those people, you know? He yells at everybody. He’s always mad about something.” I shrugged.

  “He’d have to be really stupid to use his own chipper to kill somebody.”

  “I know. And if the chipper was brought into my woods from this direction, that would put a crimp in my theory anyway.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Mitzner’s is north of town. If you headed up Country Road 57 into Deer Hollow, then continued on through town and out, about a mile on the other side you’d pass it just before you hit the ramp onto Highway 65.”

  Hal nodded. “This seems to have come from the wrong direction.”

  “I guess he could have driven around town with it and come in from a different direction to throw us off...”

  “But it seems unlikely.”

  I sighed. “Yeah. It does.” A car whizzed past not too far ahead of us and I quickly whistled to Caphy so she didn’t run out onto the road. She turned on her heel and ran at us full speed, tongue flapping around her open jaws.

  She skidded to a stop in front of me and I reached down to scratch her under her squishy chin. “Good girl.” I clipped a lead on her heavy leather collar and we proceeded on to the road.

  Hal stopped about ten feet from Goat’s Hollow Road and nodded. “See the mud tracks there? The ATV crossed the road here.”

  “Should we keep following it?”

  “No need.” He pointed to the gravel shoulder on the other side. “I’m guessing they loaded it onto some kind of vehicle there.”

  I stepped closer and eyed the spot, seeing the telltale tracks in the gravel. “I guess we’ve hit a dead end.”

  “Not really. If they headed into town, we should be able to pick up their tracks there.”

  I laughed. “I hope you’re not thinking we’ll hook up with a computer expert like in one of those cop shows on TV and track their route using traffic cameras. In Deer Hollow a Stop sign is considered technologically advanced.”

  Hal gave me a smile that made my toes curl. “You might be surprised what you can find when you go looking.” He turned back into the woods. “I’m hungry. How about you?”

  As soon as he asked the question my stomach rumbled unhappily. “I could eat.”

  “Good. I saw a diner in town that looked promising. I’ll let you buy me lunch.”
>
  I snorted. “Oh yeah? You’ll let me?”

  “Of course.”

  I freed Caphy from her leash and Hal picked up a stick, throwing it deep into the woods. She took off like a shot, her entire body vibrating with happy excitement.

  “We’ve already established you’re the one with all the money,” he said. “Besides, if I’m going to work for you, it makes sense for you to buy me a meal once in a while. You know, to keep me happy so I want to work for you as long as you need me.”

  I laughed and it felt really good. I liked him. And the realization made the sun warm again on my shoulders. I wasn’t alone anymore. I had someone to help me figure out what was going on and to help me stay safe if whatever it was had to do with me.

  Caphy burst through the trees ahead, stick firmly clenched between her jaws. She bounced happily toward Hal, clearly anticipating a rousing game of fetch in her future.

  I laughed again.

  Any man who could make my dog that happy was a man I wanted to get to know better.

  And then there was the warm spot he’d caused in the center of my belly. That was just for me.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Sonny’s Diner was located in the exact center of Deer Hollow’s main street. If I’m being honest, it’s really the town’s only street. The short spokes of road jutting off either side were little more than angry outbursts of asphalt and gravel, sporting a mismatched array of boils along their crooked sides posing as businesses and homes.

  Sonny’s real name had been Matthew Earl. He’d been a selfish, surly only child who was spoiled rotten by his mother, and she’d called him Sonny his entire life for no explicable reason.

  Sonny’s daughter Max was the current owner of the humble little diner, which squatted under a massive sign promising the best banana cream pie in the state.

  And it delivered.

  My gaze slid to the glass-doored refrigerator behind the counter as Hal and I entered the diner and my mouth watered as I saw what was left of the last banana cream pie.

  My competitive nature kicked in immediately. It was going be a race to determine who would get that last piece of pie.

  A race I intended to win.